i don’t know, you know? yesterday i “celebrated” my 30th day of social distancing, which means that today i have been alone in my studio apartment for 31 days. i can’t seem to concentrate on anything that’s not
animal crossing,
duolingo, or
though admittedly there have been times in the middle of a duolingo lesson that i have forgotten which language i was working on. (i’m alternating between spanish, german, and french.) i try to go outside every day, but some days i don’t. still fitbit tells me i’m walking an average of more than 11,000 steps per day. i pace my enclosure like a tiger from the zoo of my early childhood, usually participating in one of the first two activities on that list while doing so.
mostly i’m fine. (mostly by fine i probably mean numb.) i don’t mind the solitude; i like my own company more than most. i’ve spent a lot of time by myself, over the course of my life, from my Very Online adolescence to all the months and months i spent unemployed throughout my post-collegiate life. it’s different now, of course, but a lot of the tools that got me through those times are helping me with this one.
as an adult, what has helped is to structure the solitude: mornings are for Getting Things Done, whether that was job applications or writing or cleaning or errands, while afternoons were for Enjoying Things, like video games or tv or outside. sometimes the structure is a little more rigid, usually because something is scheduled. sometimes i say fuck it and just let the soft animal of my body love what it loves.^^
the emperor suggests examining the ways in which structure can serve us, instead of the other way around. this week, darlings, try to see not only where you feel supported by structure, but where it feels restrictive, and see what you might do to ameliorate that. but also, if you just say fuck it and let the soft animal of your body love what it loves, that’s good too. we’re all just making it through this however we can.
spring break. i believe in you.^^^
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this week’s deck: personal space tarot
this week’s crystal: smoky quartz
this week’s bauble: a necklace i have effectively stolen from daniel, sorry buddy
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^ you were right, michael. i fucking love it.
^^ a reworking of a line from “wild geese” by mary oliver.
^^^ sure did end the newsletter with a reference that one or maybe two people will get! it’s my newsletter and you can’t stop me! but i do believe in you. that is real. <3