nine of arrows

worry / insomnia / anguish //

cancer season is upon us, and i’ve already cried more this month than i have any other month this year. this week was a rough one; i felt left out and lonely, like i was a teenager again, sitting alone in my apartment while everyone else was out having a good time. never mind the fact that i probably would not have wanted to join in on the activities i was seeing on social media; i just like being invited.

i’ve been dealing with these feelings long enough, however, that i know more how to deal with them than i did as a teenager. i knew that they were hitting me this hard because they were mirroring an old wound of mine, and that it wasn’t really the fault of any of my friends, who were obviously not trying to exclude me. so i withdrew, not wanting to say something i would later regret (which i may have done as a teenager). i turned to my journal and tried to write out my feelings, which has always been an effective therapy for me.

and then, last night, after hanging out with friends, i confessed and was absolved by my dear friend ros (a literal angel). (i’d say you could blame my language here on watching good omens so much but honestly i’m just Like That.)

so: the nine of arrows. when i first encountered this card, as the nine of swords in the wild unknown, it spooked me far more than the ten of swords. in that deck, this card is a horror: there are loose eyeballs with trailing tendons, there is a jawbone of some animal, there are worms helping to turn everything to rot. the ten of swords i could spin (rock bottom is a jumping off point!); the nine of swords i could not.

which is why i particularly love how the entry for the nine of arrows ends in the mesquite tarot guide: “acknowledge your uneasy feelings. let them go.”

darlings, this week, let’s sit with our feelings and see what effect it has on them, whether it be smoothing out jagged edges or intensifying an urgency.

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this week’s deck: mesquite tarot
this week’s crystals: blue apatite, selenite