page of plumes

honest / insightful //

many moons ago, at writing group, i read aloud an essay i had written about love, and growing up, and revolutionary girl utena.

for those that are unfamiliar with this 90s anime which was a huge influence on me: there is a girl, utena, who is also a prince. there is another girl, anthy, the rose bride, who is also a witch. you can probably guess which one i identified with.

i read this essay, which i ended by saying that there is a part of me that will always love the girl i thought was my prince, and this surprised everyone. they thought that i was the prince. this, in turn, surprised me.
that girl i thought was my prince once asked me why i didn’t think of myself as a prince. i didn’t have an answer for her: i was a witch so intensely - how could i be anything else?

(but then, so much of my growing up has been learning to save myself, over and over and over. )

the page of plumes reminds me of those fourteen-year-old girls that we were, playing with ideas of witches and princes. it reminds me of the way we were clumsily honest with each other. (i told her i loved her and that i didn’t want anything to change; she told me she couldn’t reciprocate but she still wanted me as her friend.) the page is someone still learning how to wield honesty responsibly but committed to that learning.

be open, darlings, to being honest with yourself and to hearing truths about yourself from others. you may find that you can hold many ideas about yourself, that you can be both prince and witch.


this week’s deck: the wooden tarot
this week’s plant: more whole foods roses, i like them even when they’re dried up