in the middle of august, back in 2014, in the wake of the ending of a romantic relationship, i started a new journal. it felt symbolic: “a fresh start, a chance to try again,” i wrote.
but i also couldn’t help but think of a passage from one of my favorite books, lighthousekeeping by jeanette winterson:
I cried for a world that could be stable and sure. I didn’t want to start again. I was too small and too tired.
Pew taught me that nothing is gone, that everything can be recovered, not as it was, but in its changing form.
’Nothing keeps the same form forever, child, not even Pew.’
i first read the book fifteen years ago, in 2006 (god, what even is time), and i fell in love. it was one of those books that became a part of me, that is somehow a key to understanding why i’m Like This.
it’s also immediately what i thought of when i pulled the fool for today’s newsletter.
the word “fool” shows up more than 70 times in my diaries, usually either in reference to fooling around or, more commonly, to how i am a fool in love. it’s energy that i embodied often in my youth: always beginning again, never stable or steady, about to walk off a damn cliff because my eyes are on the skies.
something in me changed, though, in the aftermath of 2014. i went through my saturn return; i grew up. i’ve lived in the same place, my little witch’s studio, for seven years - longer than i’ve lived anywhere, my entire life. i have a sense of what i want in life and in relationships, and i would rather be alone than in an ill-fitting life or relationship.
everything has a price, however, and the price for this stability is that i have become increasingly risk-averse. so this week, my darlings, how about we follow the fool’s example and try to take a risk? maybe just a little one, to start. (please note that you should NOT take risks with your health, keep wearing a mask and staying at least six feet away from everyone, there’s still a pandemic going on!!) maybe let’s howl at the full moon on thursday and see what we fall into.
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this week’s deck: mesquite tarot
this week’s crystals: smoky quartz, milky quartz, rose quartz
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previously, in the fool: 3/3/19