when i was young, i felt like i had sacrificed everything and gotten nothing in return. everyone left me, in the end, or so i felt, left alone with my too-big heart beating in my skinny chest. i was impatient; i didn’t think i would grow old so i wanted my happily ever after right now; i wondered secretly if maybe it was just my true nature to be sad and alone.
i grew, of course. i have the perspective now that my younger self couldn’t possibly have, because i have sat with my sadness, my fear, my loneliness. i learned from them. i gained power from them.
and, crucially, i learned that there are so many people who have not left me, in the end - including some of those who broke my heart. the relationships may not be what i dreamed of as a teenager, but i also had no idea then what a decades-long friendship could look like.
i’ve written a lot about the hanged man in this here newsletter, and it’s a card i resonate with a lot, so today i suppose this is just a bit of the knowledge i gained from my time in the tree.
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today’s deck: sasuraibito tarot
today’s gems: aventurine, selenite
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previously, in the hanged man: 6/24/18, 2/3/19, 10/13/19, 10/20/19, 4/26/20, 7/25/21