two of cups and the lovers
note: this newsletter contains some spoilers for the ends of she-ra and the princesses of power and revolutionary girl utena.
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when i was fourteen, i told a girl i liked her, like that. i’m not sure where i found that bravery, except that it’s always been easy to be brave with her. she told me that she didn’t like me, like that, but she still wanted to be my best friend.
somewhere around this time, we went to see adolescence mokushiroku, or, the revolutionary girl utena movie. i remember exactly what it felt like to sit there with her, watching it: burning. either it showed me what could be, or it reminded me of what never could.
twenty years later, after rewatching the show and writing poem after poem about it, the girl asked me: why don’t you see yourself as a prince?
i didn’t really have an answer for her. when i was younger, i saw anthy, the witch, the rose bride, as a villain - reflecting how i saw myself. that changed as i grew; i knew that being queer did not make me dirty and that my trauma was not something i deserved. i still saw myself as the witch, but it wasn’t something villainous, something treacherous. seeing myself as a prince - as the prince - was a step too far.
we never really see ourselves the way others do. my vision of myself as the witch is just as real as others’ vision of me as the prince. i need to find a way to integrate them both, to unite them.
which brings us to the cards. i watched all of season five of she-ra on friday, the ending of which brought up all the old utena feelings. i thought about the lovers, and the way i tend to use an interpretation stressing the unity it can represent, instead of the romantic love so often associated with it.
after all, my adolescence ended more like anthy’s than like catra’s. i walked off into the future, free, alone. the girl i loved didn’t love me, not like that, not like adora loves catra. it’s okay; i don’t hold it against her. she loved me the way she could. it’s just that even though i enjoy my solitude, sometimes all the old wounds still sting.
(as far as the two of cups, i came to it first when shuffling through the deck looking for the lovers, and, well - it’s all about the hands. i justified including it because it’s a reflection of the lovers in the minor arcana.)
this week, darlings, i know i will be examining this knot in my life. all we can do is try to integrate all parts of ourselves. good luck, if you’re attempting this.
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this week’s deck: sasuraibito tarot
this week’s crystals: amethyst, rose quartz
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previously, in utena: page of plumes (9/9/18); three of swords (4/7/19)
previously, in two of cups: 4/28/19
previously, in the lovers: 2/18/19